Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what