I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.