Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.