Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

🎉🥳

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

guys i’ve cracked the code

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?