I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.