I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you