I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You Might Also Like
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
S/o to @funTweeters .
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable