I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.