I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
But wait…
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.