I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
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Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire