I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
grotesque if literal: baby food
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
feetloaf
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Sell your car
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.