I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Make new friends? bro out of what?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.