Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

First I was a pebble..

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣