I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I hope they boil the right one.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.