I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
The options really are this bad
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.