I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave