Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days