I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦