Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

So the ex texted me

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Tuesday

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks