I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
God, I love Scotland
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.