Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

If snakes were wide

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

I am crying

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane