Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

You had me at “define legal”.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.