I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
You Might Also Like
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[canadians at you, canadianly]