I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
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[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.