Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille