Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.