Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

The Punning Dead.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen