Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check