Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.