I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.