Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

first you must answer his riddles

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

Not helping

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!