I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
some things should go without saying
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened