I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.