I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
You Might Also Like
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”