me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT