I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Natural selection at its finest
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I think about this a lot
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.