Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

😆