Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed