I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
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“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My dating profile:
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.