Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.