Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

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