Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.