Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Never ghost your hitman.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…