Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Blew my mind.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.