I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”