“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
You Might Also Like
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want