Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

ㅤ

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep