“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1 – use commas
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.