Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt