I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
next question.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”