I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.