I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?