Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!