I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Mistakes were made
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”