Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Oh hi lol

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that