I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
bought wrong eggs
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO