I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?