Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime