i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
i think we should see other cousins
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.