i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Who knew!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots