I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
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12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Well, that didn’t work.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Camel dough
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head