I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

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It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?


10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.


Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife


Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.


Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋


ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head


Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.


A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.


The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.


[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.