@redpawn3

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

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@TheBoydP

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

@shashaintl

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

@WheelTod

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

@AmericanGent69

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

@Darlainky

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

@fro_vo

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

@tsm560

Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.

@Tmoney68

A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.

@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@aka_fatman

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.