Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.