Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..