How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I can’t be the only one 😂
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
There is no “ea” in Tim.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket