Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

how DARE

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.