-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
LOL
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me irl