Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes