I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
This cat wants you to take your pills
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes