I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.