I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
You Might Also Like
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.