I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.