Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone