Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Only short people can save us

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

When you have to use a public restroom.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.