[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
LMAO
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw