Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.