[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
some Old Testament wisdom
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
